I Wont Last A Day Without You
by Shaherezada
Summary: What if Neela named said the other man's name during the first/drunken kiss with Tony? Neela and Tony OC.


**Author's note:**

_I know that i haven't finished my previous story, but i will as soon as i'll find already written chapters which are buried in my old broken laptop. _

_But i could'n resist to write this one. I don't know should i continue writing or leave it as oneshot. It is up to you guys. It take place in the begining of season 13._

_Oh and sorry for my possible mistakes, english is not my native language._

_WARNING: Neela and Tony OC._

- Come one let's drive you home. - said Tony as he opened ambulance door for me to get in.

Home. I don't have home. If i had home then i would not drink tequila with a strangers at late evening in the bar.

- Where to go? - asked Zadro and i named him Abby's adress.

I still call this place as Abby's. Abby's place...Vicious circle for me. I moved out from there to live with Ray and then i moved out from Ray to live there. Funny huh? i would laugh about it if i didn't want to cry so much right at this moment. Of course i am gratful to Abby for giving me place to live both of the times, but place to live is not enough to me right now and living alone is not helping to run from all the thoughts in my mind, which are so far away from pleasant.

- I've never could imagine you as tequila type of girl. Wine or cocktails-yes, but tequila? - Tony's said to fill the silence.

- A friend of mine used to like tequila and rubbed it off on me.

A friend of mine...Ray...he is a best friend of mine, God i miss him so much, if for once in my life i would be hones with my self i would admit that i need him too, but i won't do it because if i will start with this admission i would admit that i am in love with him and my drinking in the bar is not only gieving about the loss of my husband but also grieving about the loss of my time with Ray in our cozy apartment.

- Ok we are here . I will walk you to apartment. - said Tony

- Thank you - i answer - Bue Zardo.

We startedn to walk in silence but i could feel that Tony wanted to say something but surprisley for him he hesitated.

- Ok split it up - i say.

- What? - Tony said in surprise

- I don't know, but i can see that you are hiding something in your mind.

- Well i do have to say something but it is kinda non of my business

-Since when do you care about it?

- Yeah, you're right. Listen Neela as i said it is none of my business but i think you're to harsh to yourself.

- Meaning?

- Look i didn't knew your husband and i am sure that he was a decent and good man, but don't be naive and stop blaming yourself or refusing to live your life because of his choice to be a solider.

- You don't know nothing about me and Michael! - i shoted back - And what do you say about being naive?

- You're right i know nothing about you and Michael, but i know something about war, i've been there and i want to open your eyes about some things which you somehow prefer to ignore. When a man go to war he knows exactly what he is doing and what to except from the future. When someone choose to be a solider he realises every complication about it as moving from place to place, puting duty for a country in front of everything else in life. We realise that it is more than just possible that tommorow we might not return from the fight or that when we will return home our girlfriends and wifes will not wait for us any more, because they are tired to wait, to be afraid and worried and found somebody better than us.

- What a hell are you talking about Tony?

- I am talking about that you should stop slowly killing yourself just because of your loss. Michael knew about all the risks and it is not your fault that it turned this way,i don't think that he would liked you to go after him insted of living your life. I am not saying that you should stop grieving but you shouldn't do the things yoy do Neela.

I wanted to shout at him badly, to say that this is bullshit but i couldn't. Because i knew he was right. I also knew that Michael wanted me to move on. But i was afraid that if i will open my mouth then i will tell him the truth. The truth that i am grieving not about the loss of my love, but about the loss of my friend. the truth that i am so ashamed of myself because i've realised that i can not be a solider wife and stand by my husband during all the moves from town to town only at his funeral. The truth about that i've waited Michaels return not to go househunting for our new family but to ask him for divorce, because i respected him enough to make him live with a woman who is not in love with him and who can not take him as he is. Insted of that i asked:

- And what do you suggest me to do? How will it look from the side if i will act at it doen't matter to me?

- I didn't say that you should act like it doesn't matter to you. I just suggest you to think about yourself for a change and the only thing which realy doesn't matter is how will it look from the side or what people say because no matter what you'll do there will always be few people who will judge you and not because you are doing someting wrong but because it is human nature to judge the others just to feel better themselves.

- Ok thank you for your concern. So we are here, come in. - i said as opened the door.

I turn on tghe lights and look around the room. Empty beer cans on the table, dirty clothes on the couch, some take out leftovers. This place looks like that Ray's apartment in it's worse days the only thing what is missing is a doublesurroud soundtrack of Ray's inducec from his bedroom. Memories of so many sleepless night because of that made want to drink so i went to refregarator take out a can of beer and then turn back to Tony

- Want to drink something?

- No - he refused.

Then he took the beer out from my hand.

- And it is enogh for you too.

Tone walked back to the door to leave and i thought about another lonely night going insane from my thought and now even worse dying from the jealousy because of thought of Ray and other girl right now in his bedroom while i am here all alone. So i walk close to Tony and kiss him. He broke the kiss and pull away...

- I don't want to be alone - i say and kiss him one more time pretending that it is another man standing here.

- Ray...- i wisper unconsciously. Tony froze and i realize what have i done.

- Tony...I...I...

- Sshhh don't worry about it. You are to tired go and have a sleep.

He walked to the door and reached out for his cell phone. I close the door after him and lean aginst it, listening to his footsteps,

- Zardo i need a favor...- that was the last thin that i heard before i started to sob from self pity. I feel so pathetic right now. How could i kiss the Tony in first place? Am i that desparate? Or i was just trying to eraise the truth which is eating me inside and it is so hard to hide any more? And then i call the other man name during the kiss,,,i know it is because it is become almost impossible for me to surpress my tru feelings, i thoght that moving out from Ray will help but it made things even worse, because i am going crazy with out him. I can't stop thinking that if i feel guilty anyway than may be i can allow myself to have a real reason to feel guilty for. And what Tony will think about me now? I stood up and went to lay on the couch. I took the beer and open it. Suddenly i don't care about what people say or think about me, i just feel desparate because i can't do what i want to do. Tony gave me a good advice, actually Abby and even Greg said something like that to me before and it is six month since Michaels death, longer time than the time what we were married, and i came to terms with it,but i can't live my life as i want to. i can't pick up the phone and call _him_...i can't expect him to take me back in his life even as a friend, because i pushed him away when he only wanted to help, because i abandoned him with no reason to do so. Because i betrayed him as much as i betrayed Michael when i got married. And now i am facing the consiquences. He is dating Katey,he moved on and i hope he is happy and she treat him as he deserves and the only thing that left for me is self pity, shame and lonly sleepless nights full of memories and regret.

Suddenly i hear the knock at the door. It is after midnight, so i prefer to ignore it, but the knock repeats and become much more insist and louder. So i decide to open the door and there he stood in all his glory eyes full of concern and worried look on his face.

- Neela...

- Ray...


End file.
